April 23, 2011

Project Body Back: Week Two
Eloquence lost

{ Yup - That's what the scale actually read on my first weigh in! }

I *LOVE* Body Back!

It's brutal hard. It has made me cry. It has held a mirror up that I have been refusing to look at for a while now. It's empowering, exhausting, exasperating and without a doubt the best thing I have ever done for myself!

BUT...... The wheels fell off the wagon this week...........................The meal plan and I are not friends.My food diary and I are full on enemies. I need to mbrace {That's for you Mel!} these two aspects of Body Back, yet I kind of have this snotty attitude towards them. It's not good..... I am only screwing myself.  I really do want to get on board, but this week has been filled with a lot of excuses, and a lot of emotion and A LOT of children. So........ starting Monday..... I'm on board. Me, the Meal Plan and My Food Journal will be BFF's..... Okay We won't be BFF's but we will be friends. Alright, I might actually, talk sh*t about them behind their backs, but they will think we're tight!

My first weigh-in showed a number that surprised me and disappointed me a little. My second weigh-in showed a one pound weight gain! Despite a great effort to eat right, follow a revised version of the meal plan and writing everything down, I gained a pound.  I GAINED AN EFFING POUND!!!!!  This took me from having a not so good week to being full on pissed off. Pissed off after telling myself before weigh in, that the scale doesn't matter; I then became pissed that I was pissed.

I tried to work all of my anger out during that night's brutal rounds class.  I shed a few tears while pushing myself to go all out. Then swallowed back a bunch of tears when it was all over and tired to put the past behind me...Put my best foot forward and move on from there with a new determination. Ah - yeah.....It lasted all of an hour.  At about 9pm I was still annoyed. With what exactly I wasn't sure but although I felt as if I'd left it all on the court, I hadn't left my frustration. So....... I did the only logical thing I could think of..... I poured myself a double Vodka.

Thirty minutes later, still not feeling any better I did the next logical thing I could think of..... I ate a sleeve of Pepperidge Farms Shortbread cookies.

Not my finest hour....

I was only moderately good about my eating for the rest of the week.  A friend in crisis, a house filled with children, only half of which were mine and friends coming into town for the weekend didn't do a lot to help with my 2-a-day workout schedule, so I fear week 2 is shot.....

I has not been a total loss. I did run 5.12 miles yesterday morning. Shaving 4 minutes off of my previous time for the same distance!! This morning's Body Back class was a traveling class and I ran 4 miles there. {I must say, to date the traveling class his been my favorite - But there is something cathartic about running...} I deeply fear the scale tomorrow night {3 night's early by the way, thanks to the OC Marathon}

I would love to wax poetic about how life changing Body Back is {and it is} but I am exhausted. I have been avoiding this post for days for a number a reasons- Not the least of which is my loss of eloquence. I just don't know what to say.  My girlfriend Mel said it best in her post about this week..... If you don't have anything nice to say.....

I want to be proud of myself.... I *AM* proud of myself.... But I am disappointed too. I think I have been waiting for me head to be in a better place. I have been waiting for a moment when I could let go of the scale, pat myself on the back for the work that I did. Take some pride in my new milestone distance of 5.12 miles.....

I can already see that 8 weeks is not going to be enough. It is going to take me 8 weeks to get to a point where I can forgive myself. It is going to take me 8 weeks {at least} to learn how to be kind to myself.  Maybe that should be my goal - "Learn how to cheer for Shelbi."........Oh and to have those "guns" that Kelly told me I'd have at the end of the 8 weeks.  Arms like Michelle Obama is absolutely a goal of mine!!

Two weeks down, four more to go. I am so happy that I am on this journey! I already know why so many of the Mamas are back for their second and third sessions. 

Don't forget to link your Body Back Blog posts below....


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