Pharmacological Guinea Pig

First thing this morning I had my quarterly appointment with my Endocrinologist. I dread these appointments for a few reasons. They are always, for some unknown reason, at the crack of dawn. It might have to do with how busy Dr. Gronski is and the fact that they will not let me schedule my appointments until after I’ve seen the doctor; so all the mid-day, late morning, whatever appointments are gone and I am stuck with saying yes to 8 or 8:30am. This time slot poses a few problems with the kids. The first issue being, that if Brian is out of town or has meetings I have no child care. We have to leave the house by 7am to make an 8am appointment and asking the few friends dear enough to help out with the girls to be ready for my girls at 7am is… Well, I would just never do that to my friends. The second is leaving so early means I have to feed them breakfast before they are ready and they barely eat so by the time we sit down in the exam room – Hunger has set in and they have not had any real protein so they are going to act out.

The second reason I dread these appointments is… my girls. I don’t know what it is about my doctors (and yes there are many) that makes my girls act out. They sit in the waiting room just fine. I bring books, paper, crayons, sippy cups, snacks, dolls. To say I am prepared to keep them entertained is often an understatement. In the event that a book or snack doesn’t hold their interest there are at least two or three other things to do. Grace and I talk about her behavior and what is expected of her and Lily in advance on the way to the appointment. They, as I said, sit in the waiting room just fine. They sit in the exam room with me just fine, but as soon as the doctor enters and sits down, all Hell breaks loose. Lily is crying Grace is interrupting or needing to go potty (Which I always get out of the way before the appointment!) Someone is touching someone else, or hiding under a chair or just plain screaming “Mommy!” Why??? All the nurses think my kids are peaches and I am sure all my doctors are wondering what the hell kind of mother I am??

Then I start to question myself… Why is it I can discipline my kids so harshly at home but in front of others I try to ignore it in the hopes that not paying attention will make it go away? Then I realize that I have conditioned my girls that I won’t grab her by the arms, place her firmly in time-out and make the behavior stop when we’re out and about. Oh, I’ve left stores, playgrounds, play dates and restaurants and we’ve had some very tearful rides home. My kids know I mean business - when no one’s looking. No, I don’t hit my kids. I am not beating them while no one is looking. I am anti-spanking unless it is a serious offense. Such offenses are rare in my house. But sometimes, when the cat is kicked or hit for no reason a swift and seemingly out of nowhere swat on the butt get the point across…. But I digress – Taking the girls to my doctors appointments are an exercise in self loathing and frustration.

The final is reason is drugs. I know some of you are laughing at the moment. Some because you think you know what I am going to say and others because of what I am going to say. I am not a fan of pharmaceuticals. Okay, go on now and have a good chuckle and then we will continue… I try to get through headaches without aspirin. I am sure there is still a bottle of pain medication from my c-section over a year ago; because I did not like the way the pills made me feel. But drugs seem to be a necessary evil in my life these days. And today one more was added to the ever growing list of crap I have to take every morning.

I have pretty much run the gamut of Thyroid medications since my diagnosis. Blood work has never been a truthful indicator of where I really am with regard to Thyroid function so I have been a virtual guinea pig when it came to type, dosage, brand, generic medication, etc. As of today I am now on two different medications to manage my symptoms - *Sigh* - That is in addition to the recent change from Concerta to Adderol after a few dosage changes there as well. Then some meds must be taken on an empty stomach and others on a full – some once a day and others twice a day and half the time I can’t even remember if I had breakfast by the time lunch rolls. However, I do all of this for my kids. I do this so I will have the energy not only to play with them but to discipline them when they are out of control, like they were today at the doctor’s office. I do it so I can stay organized so that things will run smoothly and I won’t have to take out my frustrations on them when I cannot seem to get it together to get out the door on time; And they do what any 1 and a half and three year old would do – Stop to check out the line of ants crossing the driveway or stand awe struck as a plane flies over or truck drives by as I stand in the garage yelling “C’mon! Let’s go! We’re going to be late! I don’t have time for this!!” But mostly I do it so I won’t drug my kids. Maybe if I can be alert enough and healthy enough and organized enough I can get my kids through all of the challenges they are going to face (and present) without drugging them!