December 12, 2010

If you don't have anything nice to say.....

A lesson I still, at 34 have yet to really learn. I could blame it on my A.D.D. and say I cannot always control my mouth. If it hits my brain chances are it's going to hit my lips.... But… well... That sounds a lot like a cop out to me, so I am sure to those of you who are not me; you're thinking it does too.

A few months back I, ah..... let my freak flag fly and my true colors {and feelings} show about my views on the "Princess Possessed" {My words I think from that fated post} It ruffled some feathers, spurred some hate email and some support and it was clear that I had touched on a "hot topic". There were not many who sat on the fence about this post. You either slapped me on the back and said "Amen" or cursed my name and wrote me off as belonging in the "Mommy Dearest category". Either way, I can live with the heat my mouth can and has generated and with the consequences of my actions or words. I can even live with the fact that this post cost me a friend. A friend I might add that I thought of as *closer* than family. Here is where my mouth gets me into trouble again......

My friend was in large part my friend because we have daughters the same age. We have some other important things in common, or we did but our girls were the super glue that brought us together and formed a pretty solid bond very quickly. So the loss of this friend meant a harsh reality for Gigi. Like I said, I can live with the consequences of my actions. I can dust myself off, move on and tell myself "I'm better off." But how do you justify your actions to a 3 year old? How do you explain that you cannot see your best friend anymore because your Mommy sucks?

So for several weeks now I have dodged, deflected and diverted attention from the incessant questions...

"When can we see....?"
"Can.... Come over today?"
"I want to go to .......'s house."
Can ..... to go with us?"

I had hoped that after weeks of making excuses and deflecting and distracting with...

"..... is on vacation."
"......Is busy."
"Lets invite Addie!"
"We're going to Vincent's!"
"Taylor is coming over today!"
"We're going with Lillianna and Sophia."
"Nope tpday we have a play date with Erica."
"Logan and Cooper are going to be there!!"

Would help to lessen the loss.... It didn't. Every day and deflection only compounded the questions. *Sigh* so in a moment of stupidity and exhaustion I said. "Mommy made {my ex-friend} mad and she doesn't want to be my friend anymore." Yes - I KNOW! Stupid, stupid, stupid - Mommy Fail! I was tired and not really thinking and at the end of my rope with the questions. This of course induced hysterical pleas to call my ex-friend and say that I am sorry and beg forgiveness. Yes, My 3 year old wanted me to implore someone to "forgive me". When I said that it didn't work that way she begged to go directly home and call them herself. Yup, my heart broke! I said something stupid again and now my child was hurting because of it! I was fully aware as the words were coming out of my mouth that what I was saying was wrong. I was remorseful beyond words as my child was hurting and pleading and trying to "fix it". And then I was angry.... So I lied. I hated doing it. I KNOW that it’s going to come back and bite me in the ass, but I lied and said they moved far away. SHIT! Life is messy and motherhood is hard.... What are you going to do?? No seriously….. What am I going to do???

FAIL #2.

At the playground with one of my dearest friends and she kept calling Gigi by a nickname she knows makes me cringe; A name that we often correct people when they refer to her by it. We have corrected people so often and so long that Gigi herself has been known to say "It's just Gigi." when called by the name that makes my shoulders shrug and my skin hurt. To be fair my friend was not doing it consciously and knows better, but in one of our shared A.D.D. moments it just kept slipping out. So, I said, and not really to Gigi but more passive/aggressively to my friend "Gigi, the next time Siler calls you ..... kick her in the shin and say "It's just Gigi"." Ahhhh, yes, open mouth, insert foot. What possessed me to say something like that to my 3 year old, or near my 3 year old? Sarcasm is not yet in her repertoire.

So after saying that Gigi promptly walked over to Siler's 2 and half year old, a friend of Gigi's and kicked her in the shin and she said matter-of-factly "It's just Gigi." and walked away. I was mortified! I knew I was wrong and rushed to Siler's daughter, explained to Gigi I was wrong and that we don't ever kick or hit. I felt about 2 inches tall. and when I stood up to reiterate my remorse to Siler she said, with a laugh, it's okay and promptly kicked me in the shin!

That's why my friends need to be just-like-Siler. Give and take; Support and slap-down. I know that she has my back because we are friends, but she will, always, 110% of the time call me on my B.S. and put me in my place. So until I get control of my runaway mouth, I might have to put myself on friend probation and stick with Siler and Grace. The two friends who take everything I say with a grain of salt and never let me live down my dumbest moments. I will never hear the end of either of these stories from them, that is until I do the next big-dumb thing, then they'll drop "Shingate" and my "Traumatic Truth Telling Debacle" for a while with the give me a hard time about my newest fiasco.

Dear Shelbi, if you don’t have anything nice to say…Then…..Shut the $%&* up!


Siler said...

Lol! I love you for the stupid crap that comes out of your mouth. Keeps me coming back for more hilarity. Xoxo

Shannon said...

Yay that I am not the only 34-year old that says stupid shit and Yay that I am not the only mother that has probably done or said something to my kids that is really going to come back and bite me in the ass. Yay because misery loves company and it is always nice to know you are not alone in this world.

Shannon said...

Oh...and yay for the friends that put up with it!

Mel said...

I had my "Siler" over yesterday after a 2 week preggo pity party and feel soooo much better already. Thank GAWD for those types of friends eh? :) Miss you!

Anonymous said...

I always feel weird about judging people that I just have no knowledge of but I kind of fail to see how certain idealogical differences can destroy a friendship. In particular one as minor as princess stuff. People get way too worked up when it comes to how other people raise their kids.

Best of luck soothing things over with the little one.

Shelbi said...

Okay let's see....

First, @Siler - You rock! It's nice to have friends that allow you to feel comfortable enough to simply be "you" with, warts and all! And even better that we can hold the mirror up for each other and say "People who live in Glass Houses B*tch..." and laugh about it!

@Shannon - No, YAY that *I* am not the only 34 year old mom who still steps in it with friends and kids! You made my day! Thanks for the kind words!:)

@Mel - We've missed you like crazy, I have thought about you a ton and am so very sorry that I haven't checked in with you. I am thrilled that you have a "Siler" and that she was there for you this week. We need to get together soon! :(

@'DarkTouch' - I think the reality is we had way to much that we didn't agree on - In the end it is what it is -

Now to heal my little one. How to begin that process is the really painful part about the whole thing for me. If I "lost" this friend, were we *really* friends to begin with? But the girls, they were......

Grace said...

I don't think I want to be just like Siler - let's be honest, she's kind of a bitch ;-) And I think you should speak your mind. If you didn't, what kind of drama-free world would we live in? We'd have to think of other things to give you shit about. I'm sure we could come up with something, but still.


flipflopmama a.k.a. The SassMaster said...

if it's any consolation, my child does not remember ANY of the friends he made as a three year old preschooler... life goes on without What's Her Face
I still have to tell you the story about calling a past aquaintence's mom fat. Didn't know they were related... yeeeaaah... we worked in complete silence for three weeks after that.

Like what you just read??
Then VOTE for A Mother's Musings, Mishaps and Milestones on 'Top Mommy Blogs', 'Top 100 Mommy Bloggers' and 'Picket Fence Blogs' by clicking the buttons below. {votes can be cast daily}
      Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory The Top 100 Mommy Blogs