February 1, 2011

Reason # 287 why I blog...



In a word.... Community.

Last night I had a full on meltdown. Not just a "Mommy Tantrum" but a moment when I was aware that I was throwing a fit, an overblown, getting me nowhere, useless fit.... but I couldn't stop myself.  I was almost witnessing the atrocious screaming mess as a horrified onlooker and not so much as an active participant. Well actually, I was the only participant, the girls were blinking, dumbfounded and no longer misbehaving. I am sure they were wondering What happened to Mommy? And who this monster standing in front of them was. It is that, right there, knowing that they were so shocked at my behavior that they stopped. Stopped what I had been asking them repeatedly to stop and sat...blinking..... It is a scene that will haunt me forever.

The details of what, why and my fit are not important. The fact that my Hubby stopped working and calmly took over and asked me to take a break is important. The fact that while it took getting so close to the end of my rope that I was dangling, kicking and screaming like a desperate lunatic; my DH did notice me there, no longer able to hang on. That is important. How he handled the situation... He didn't storm in and bark at the children for making mommy act like a raving mental patient. Nor did he burst in screaming at me for acting in such an appalling, frightful way. How he dealt with the moment, is important. 

Having a community of moms and dads, strangers and friends to say "It's been a; curled up in a ball, sobbing on the shower floor while hubby bathes and puts the kids to bed kind of a night....." to and then be able to disclose that I was at a breaking point and I was NOT a good Mommy.... Then to have this community put their arms around me and say....

I've been there.

It's not easy.

You are doing the best you can.

It's okay.....

Tomorrow is always fresh, with not mistakes in it....yet.


That is why I blog.


I blog because I am horrified at my behavior.  I need a place to vent and breathe and contemplate and get it out there, off my chest, off my shoulders and hopefully make some sense of it all.  Sense of how; after 15 days parenting the kids alone. A handful of those days dealing with croup and ear infections; and late night runs to Urgent Care; and cleaning vomit off my poor child and out of my car. After managing the kids and the daily grind, breakfast to bedtime and all the nightmares and monsters in the closet and everything else in between, on my own, for 15 days....How I possibly have a meltdown on a night when my husband was home, sitting in his office and able to step in.

I hate that I held it together through a sh*tty and long two week stretch and lost it on a random Monday night; with an extra set of hands at my disposal.  I hate that I carry it, and bury it and pack it all on until I cannot handle it anymore. I hate that instead of calmly walking downstairs and begging for help, admitting that I was about to lose it. Pleading for a much needed break I silently bear the weight of it all until I can no longer and I snap....

I am supposed to blog so that I can get out from under the sometimes crushing weight of it all. Say what I feel and what I mean and maybe even what I need.... and at least feel the relief of having said 'it', whatever 'it' is; even if who I said it to is not who I need to hear it. I am supposed to blog so that when all the little things happen I laugh, or cry or snort about them so that they don't become 'a crushing weight'.

I hate that I know when it's too much. I hate that I smile and say "Oh, I'm fine" when I am raging and screaming and drowning inside.  I have no one to blame but myself..... But I am grateful that there is someone here to help out. Even if it's not all the time.... I am not truly a single parent, all alone, with no one to help, ever. I am grateful that I can have a "curled up in a ball, sobbing moment" and there is someone here to help and someone here to listen and someone here to knock on the shower door and ask "Are you okay?" I know that I do not say "Thank You" near enough for what I do have. I know maybe if I could be openly grateful for the help I get as often and I feel grateful I would have help more often. I am a work in progress......... I will add that to the list of things I need to work on.... Above all else in times like theses, I am grateful for a community of people, out there in the dark to say.... It will be alright, you are not alone.

I blog because it can be dark, and lonely. I blog because this whole parenting thing is hard and it helps to know that I am not the only one who struggles to get it right.  I blog because the glow of my computer screen makes it a little less dark, and a little less lonely and that..... well that is something.

From the bottom of my heart, to those of you who sent messages and tweets last night checking in and offering words of encouragement. I am fine..... and I mean that honestly. I had a good scream {okay well a "bad scream"} and a good cry and a moment away and I feel better, once again composed, just a bit lighter of spirit and mind and quite a bit more ready to take on the day and the night and the week ahead....

Thank You for being my Community!
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11 comments:

Wendy said...

Hello, my name is Wendy and I have Mommy Tantrums too often.

Though I do have to admit that I'm getting MUCH better. I can tell a huge difference today from where I was 2-3 years ago.

Funny....I started blogging around that time....hmmmm....

I missed it last night -- probably because I was but just wanted to let you know that GiGi is welcome to come play with Tink in the blink of the eye at any hour if you just need somewhere to send her for a bit. Lula too. Lord knows I've spared my sanity by sending my girls into the arms of other mothers more than once...or twice...

PRAISE GOD FOR HELPFUL HUBBIES!

Wendy said...

And...that was GOING to say...

"Probably because I was having a moment of my own over here"...sorry...Tired Mom Brain stopped me in my tracks :)

Ali said...

amen mama

I think melt downs are important and make us appreciate life more when they suddenly pass. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh hun hugs and kisses!! As a mom of four with a hubby who travels at times I hear you!! Been there and I almost think those moments are necesary to regroup and release. A yelling fit is not gona scar your kids, BUT when they see that you have that crazy look on your face they might know to stop sooner. We are human and have moments as well. I tell my kids that all the time!! Mommy has bad days as well!! My mom NEVER let me know it wasnt my fault she did the opposite she would curse my name and I wasnt even in the room!! SO I learned that I am allowed to have a bad day I tell my kids its not your fault mommy just needs space and a break! I have my moments!! We are all human!! xoxoxoxoxoxo Megan

Rachael Schepemaker said...

Lots of love to you! I thank God that kids are so forgiving...

Bag of JEM's said...

I admire you so much for your strength and courage to do what you do and still find a way to do more. We all go beyond the elasticity of our bungies thinking they will eventually spring back to a normal state and when that doesn't happen it doesn't matter WHERE we are at that point in time, we can lose it...we all have and we will all have many more moments in our lives where this will happen. Children or no children. Women are created to bear such strength and resiliance, we just forget that we need to allow our weakest moments to peak through from time to time so we can appreciate who we are, and what we have.
HUGE {{HUGS}} for you. <3 you!!

The SassMaster said...

I have been amazed and delighted by how hundreds of thousands of miles between strangers or old friends can instantly feel no greater than the distance between neighbors chatting over the hedge in the back yard. I wish you were in my back yard, but no matter. I know how to find you in 5 clicks or less.
My favorite thing about technology is that 'dark and lonely" don't have to last very long anymore. I'd be tipping a margarita to you right now, but I'm very sniffly and have to settle for peppermint tea :-)

Nicki said...

Wow, I read your post and it hasn't been the first time where I thought I could have written that, but she wrote it better. In fact I read it to David who mentioned it was the first time he heard a valid reason to blog. Aside from that, thank you for writing it and reassuring me that I am not alone and that I don't credit my husband for all that he does. In fat I can appreciate you writing this post as I have long wanted to vent about certain things but have gotten away from it in my blogging for fear of judgment and hurt.

DarkTouch said...

There's always a point where you need to remove yourself from a situation. The trick is knowing when. I always worry that I remove myself too early. Good on your husband for throwing ou a life line.

Andrea said...

I was at school the Friday before my birthday. Between being a mommy and not having time to truly love on my kiddo that week to sitting through a HORRIFYING meeting with a grandmother who degraded her grandchild to the point of sobbing tears with absolutely zero feeling or emotion and I couldn't take it anymore. The minute the child, who is not my own but I love anyway, and her heartless, horribly grandmother walked out the door, I completely lost it. Sobbing, crying, on the floor, done. Done with parents who don't care for their kids; done with a system that doesn't do enough for MY students; done with being away from my son for a system that doesn't appreciate all the I sacrifice. For the rest of the weekend, I played with my son, snuggled in bed with my husband, and cried. It was a full on melt down. So I've been there friend, and it's OK.

You should use this amazing thing... it's called a phone. It's amazing; you dial some numbers and on the other end is a friend who can help you! It's so awesome!!! Especially when your hubs is gone for two weeks! Seriously, reach out next time when you need a break. Mom's need breaks too!

mwr2sbr said...

I am also from Western Ma. Living in Az. A SAHM of three girls. And I don't have an accent either, unless "WICKED" counts! :)
I loved your honesty and can completely relate to that "I can do it!" feeling. I posted awhile back about asking for help and how difficult that is for me! You can see my blog @ http://aplacetowrite-mwr2sbr.blogspot.com/
I enjoyed reading yours!

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