August 2, 2009


I am not a fan of change...

This sounds funny to me since we've lived in 4 states in the last decade. After leaving Massachusetts we lived 4 different places in Houston. Then after moving to Southern California we lived in 3 different places. Since moving to Arizona in 2006 I have live in 3 different places. So if you only consider the moving aspect of change I have experienced quite a lot of it in just 10 short years. New England, Texas, Southern California and Arizona have nothing in common. The last three places only share a lack of snow. So - tons of change. Lived country, city and suburb. I've changed jobs, changed careers and career paths from one end of the spectrum to the other and tried all the things in between. Had two children - anyone who has children knows that they are in a constant state of change... For someone who is not a fan of change there is a whole hell of a lot of it in my life.

So... I have been in a funk as of late. It's almost been a welcome disaster that my computer crashed and I have not had a computer; Since I don't have the mental strength to keep up with the usual stuff on facebook and aol and all my friends and neighbors blogs. I find my self utterly with out empathy for all the 'drama' in everyone's lives. I want to say "Really? You think you've got it bad??? My sanity is moving to St Louis!" I find myself saying snide things under my breath about their posts and their comments and their status updates and blah... blah... blah... I'm just so agitated and angry that I don't have it in me to even think nice thoughts, let alone say nice things. So I don't respond and I shut the laptop and walk away thinking "Get a life!" but my "friends" have done nothing wrong and I am sure have lives...

I've said it before, I moved to the 'burbs and though I had found the best place on earth! Then the shine and the newness wears off and people reveal their true selves and live goes on. Essential once the novelty is gone you are left with what? Disappointment. But out of my disappointment there were a few dear, true, honest friends. First one left my neighborhood and now another. After months of painful, draggin on and on house hunting, in and out of my community, finally made an offer on a house a few minutes from mine - and - is now, instead is moving back to Missouri. WHAT?!?! I cannot take it any more! What's worse is not that I am losing a dear, dear friend to another state, it's that her daughter and my Grace are the same age and inseparable. I never expected to be friends with my children's friends mothers... But this was a dream come true. The perfect scenario.

So I have been mourning her loss all week and preparing for 'the big good-bye' next week and all together too sad and too tired and too unprepared for it. I have been happily hiding from the world both online and in reality for the last week. Hoping that once I finally felt ready to shed this cocoon I have woven, I would find it was all a bad dream, or a big joke. The girls have kept me sane to whatever extent I still am. Lily is clapping for herself all the time. She cheers for just about everything she does, from the mundane to the big. Grace is a whirlwind of entertainment. Singing, counting, spelling, dancing, acrobatics, swimming, anything she can do to get attention and cheers or laughter she will do. She is a bigger ham everyday. And really at this point in my life, nothing else matters. My little cocoon of kids and husband is all that I should be focusing on. Teaching the girls everything I possible can every spare minute of the day, but it's so hard when my heart is breaking... God I hate change!

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