A letter to my daughters...

I know that it has been months since I've posted anything. I think in my heart I'd hoped that if I stopped sriting it all down it wouldn't be happening. G is on her way to Kindergarten in August and Lu is all grown up.... It is all going way to quickly.

I am wrapping up my third session of Body Back next week and was aked to write a letter to my daughters telling them why I am doing Body Back. I thought I would share it here....

My Dearest Grace Elizabeth and Lily Kathryn,

I am writing to you to explain why I do the crazy sweaty things I do.  I am writing so that you might understand that as much as it’s for me, it is also very much for you, my beautiful daughters. When I started my third session of Body Back a few weeks ago I was asked once again to provide a photo. I knew from past experience that this photo was meant to push me, to motivate me when I was ready to quit to push just a little bit harder.  I was supposed to look down, see this photo and realize what I am doing this for, who I am doing this for. In the past what is generally expected is a family photo. This time however I briefly entertained a bringing photo of me taken at the finish line of the Tough Mudder.  I say briefly because as soon as my brain processed the thought “Uugh, I look so gross and out of shape. I need to use this to motivate my fat ass” I was struck by an epiphany… Gross and Out of Shape? Fat Ass? I had just finished the Tough Fricking Mudder.  Not just finished but actually completed ALL but one obstacle. I had proved myself strong, determined and I had faced some real  fears head on and conquered them. Not only that , but I had fun I was with your father and I was among friends. I pushed myself, tested myself and discovered what I was made of. WHY? Why on earth was I ashamed of my body after such a monumental physical and mental victory? How many people can or even have done what I had just done? What would I say, feel or think if one of you had just done something that amazing and then tore yourself down physically right after? The thought shattered my heart…And completely changed the course of Body Back for me this time around.

I don’t go to Body Back or Stroller Strides or train for and run half marathons to be a size 4. I don’t work hard to starve myself or judge myself, my worth or my success by a number on a scale. I am so much more than that number on that silly scale. And I still and always believe that life is too short to diet. We make good choices in our house. We indulge in treats from time to time, but food is not the enemy.  Put that out of your minds right now and don’t ever let anyone tell you that it is either. Food is fuel. Fuel your body right, take care of it and you will never have to “diet” a day in your life.

Why do I go to Body Back?  I go to get stronger and faster and to push my limits… And then push past them. I go to hang medals and race bibs and orange sweat bands on the living room wall so that you’ll know if you work hard and set a goal you can do ANYTHING.  I go to show you my beautiful daughters that strength and beauty start from within and that girls can do and be anything. We can be just as strong as boys and sometimes stronger. I go because I have found sisterhood in motherhood and I want you to see healthy female relationships so that you will know how to have them when you are older. I go to get away, because as much as I love you and your daddy and I do live to be your mother and his wife, it is important to have time to just be…. Be alone, be with friends, be strong, weak, sad, happy, reflective, angry, or one with the wind, road, or sunrise/set. I go to be free and better and I go because I love you.

Never forget you are capable of so much more than you believe. You are so much stronger than you know.

"Believe that you can run farther or faster. Believe that you're young enough, old enough, strong enough, and so on to accomplish everything you want to do. Don't let worn-out beliefs stop you from moving beyond yourself."
-John Bingham

With all the love in my heart,

Mommy

Chasing.... { wait... scratch that } "Choosing" JOY!

I have essentially been either sick or injured since my half marathon in November. The holidays came and went and now I am staring down the barrel of my next half marathon. Yup, President's weekend I am running another half marathon. All I can say is; It sounded good at the time...

A few weeks ago I ran 6 miles and was so happy with that run that I immediately went to workout with my friends. 3 minutes into that workout I knew something was wrong. I was in that STOP this is bad kind of pain. Not the push through, gut it out, woman-up kind of pain, but this is BAD. So I listened, I rested, I iced, I foam rolled, I stretched, I took care of myself.  I didn't run again, until....

Last week. Last week was the Tough Mudder-- Forget the sprained knee, I aggravated my ITBS a few miles before I even fell from that wall and hit the ground wrong. Grrrr.... Doubt set in: I haven't trained and I am supposed to run a half marathon in a month, how am I going to do this? I cannot even get halfway through a 12.5 mile run without feeling like I might pass out from the pain. What am I thinking??

Yup. I'm a quitter..... I start lots of things I never finish.... I'm flighty.... but I am also stubborn, As. A. Mule. So, tonight I strapped on my running shoes {yes, my silly, ugly, fugly, ridiculous, mockable running shoes - and I love 'em} and I ran out the door for a traveling Body Back class. Determined to use tonight's class as a litmus test for how I'll do in next month's half marathon. The class, had me frustrated early on. I ate too heavy a meal beforehand and not only had lead in my belly but my legs felt boggy and I felt like I was running through molasses. My knee started to bother me half way through, all I could think was how tired, heavy, slow, achy I felt. Then my focus turned to my knee, was it bothering me? Was it in my head? Could I readjust? Could I change my gait, stride, pace.... Thinking....thinking...thinking....

ENOUGH!

Here's what I am walking away with from tonight's class....

Great job Shelb! You not only got one, but TWO workouts in today. The first with only one child today at Stroller Strides. Then....You were kid free {woo-hoo!!}  at Body Back for your second, with some amazing women, out in the fresh air, getting your sweat on. BRAVO Mama!  BRAVO!

The traveling class wasn't really all that brutal -- But being stuck in my head, in a negative space was. If I had just let go and stopped thinking, I might have enjoyed the class more. In retrospect, I really did have a good class, if I censor my thoughts and simply leave them on the cutting room floor,  what I did physically was pretty fabulous!

I cannot use a Body Back traveling class to determine if I can or cannot run a half marathon on too little training, pain-free. See, trying to keep up with {read: right on the heels of}  'Sound Barrier Busting Nielsen', stopping and starting, circling back, catching up, slowing down, fitting different stations in every few miles, there is simply no getting into a groove. I can never just let go, relax and run... So trying to base how I will fare in a run, off of how I did during a traveling class is a bad idea!

I can run this next half marathon. It might not be as pretty as my half in November. It might not be as fast as my half in November, and without a doubt my goal of a 2 hour or dream of a sub 2 hour half is gone.  Let it go.... Run. Walk. It doesn't matter.

Choosing Joy. Noting worth accomplishing is easy, and I did not do a great job training for this next marathon, so it truly will not be easy. Not and easy run and I am sure a difficult recovery. But in the end I will have one more bib and one more medal on my wall and one more experience with some of my favorite women and that will be well worth all the pain.

No more negative thoughts, no more fear.....it will be whatever it will be and I am still braver than those too afraid to try....

The miracle is not that I finished, the miracle is that I had the courage to start.
~John Bingham